No. 1 Single Reviews: "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas

I know this one has been at the top of the charts for five weeks now, but waiting three months for "Boom Boom Pow" to drop off the charts, only to be replaced by more Black-Eyed Peas, was so soul-crushing I couldn't open Blogger for almost a fortnight.

It boils down to a crappy, dispassionate "let's go party" song--in other words, it's still the Black-Eyed Peas. There's an oddly psuedo-sentimental, yet up-tempo feeling to the dry, eighth-note guitar strums that I can't quite put my finger on. It's got that perverse "mid-level indie trickles up to the mainstream" vibe. Remember how Kelly Clarkson got her Yeah Yeah Yeahs on with "Since U Been Gone", then got her "Since U Been Gone" on with "My Life Would Suck Without You?" Dilute that by another ten levels to get this. In fact, for the first half a minute it almost seems like it might be a likable song, but as usual the Black-Eyed Peas miss the point entirely. The vocals start, and before long will.i.am is barking out the verses in four-word tone-deaf burst: "AH GOT MAH MONEY/LET'S SPEND IT UP."

It as asinine and grating as "Boom Boom Pow," but in an entirely different way. It also plays like a checklist of shitty, focus-grouped tricks for radio singles. The lowlights include:

-Auto-Tune

-The "beat cuts out for a split second after an appropriate lyric" manuever, Lyrical Varation 15: "shut it down".

-An early favorite for corniest call-and-response bridge of the century so far, in which Fergie sounds and looks like nothing so much as a pudgy, slow girl ab-libbing along to a record.

will.i.am.: Fill up my cup
Fergie: DRANK
will.i.a.m: Mazel tov
Fergie: L'CHAIM*

-A shameless, shoehorned "counting down the days of the week bit".

I hate everything about this song. I even hate the title, "I Gotta Feeling." Even Urban Dictionary knows this means "got to" as in "have to", not "got a" as in possession.

That's right; the name of this song is "I Have To Feeling." Congratulations on electing these idiots your best representative for popular music, America!

*Yes, Fergie says "l'chaim," a Jewish toast. Yes, it's Auto-Tuned.